Actual Writing

So, I've always wanted to write a novel. And I know thats so cliche and quarterlife-crisis-esque, but I actually think it could be good. And it's a good use of time while I'm at the office. I think I want it to channel a bit of David Sedaris with a succession of short stories, but I might want to make it into a full on novel. Right now, I'm writing kind of a loose outline by detailing the narrative of my senior year. It's in paragraph form and reads as a story, but it follows one specific narrative, and then I want to go back and expand and add in more people and more reflection-y stuff. Oh, and actual writing technique, because its basically just blog writing right now. But the good news is, its already 15 pages size 11 single space, which isn't bad for a day and this morning. I don't plan on ever getting it published or anything, but I feel like a large scale writing project is a cool thing to accomplish. 

Back in the Firm

So I'm back at the law firm for the summer. Fun! Kind of. Actually I have been having an amazing time, because I get off at 5:30 pm, squeeze in some yoga, then get to see friends and hang out for the rest of the night. Wake up at 7 am and repeat. Yesterday I read an article on Huffingtion Post (or maybe Thought Catalogue, I can't remember) about women asserting themselves in the workfplace, so I went to the office manager and asked if I could be considered for a raise. Bada bing bada boom; $3 more dollars an hour. Which means $1,128 extra this summer. Yay for being assertive! Although I'll probably spend all of that on gas...I go through a tank and a half a week. It's pretty terrible. I need to be better about saving money. 

Last night no one wanted to go to the Sparks game (understandably) so the firm gave me the box for the night and S, H, L, and I went to the game and had such a good time. Not that the game was that exciting, but it was just fun to be at Staples and hang out and enjoy the box. Not a bad perk, eh? This weekend is Memorial Day, and EVERYONE WILL BE HOME!!!! M, B, K, and J are all here for the weekend, and my parents are out of town, so Saturday will be a day rage/beer pong tournament extravaganza with everyone I want to see. So excited. Friday night, B and I are chaperoning my little brother's lock-in Lazer Tag party. 15 boys and 15 girls in Lazer Tag for the entire night. Many of them are sexually active. This concerns me. My brother already told me that they're pregaming. These are not innocent kids. I'm nervous. I'm sure it will be absolutely absurd and at least B and I will have fun.

One of the other great things about being in LA for the summer are all the good concerts! June 4: Leighton Meester, June 8: Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw, and Grace Potter (this is in Dallas...but still), June 12: Tallest Man on Earth, July 7: Blind Pilot, July 23: The xx, July 27: Brad Paisley. SO much music! After seeing Hoodie Allen in Oakland right before I left Berk, I remembered how much I adore live music and that I want to invest more time going to concerts. There's just nothing like it. 

What else what else...this office is absolutely freezing. I've been enjoying wearing heels to work every day, but it's not very fun when you're standing at a scanner for hours at a time. I'm working with one of the partner's stepsons this summer, so we'll start a big project in June when he gets here, but until then I'm doing lots and lots of scanning. Oh well. I can't complain for $20 an hour. 

The only thing that sucks about being home is the fam drama...it's gotten so bad. That's why I'm out of the house from 7 am to 1 am every single day. I had to revert to my private blog just to write about how absurd it all is...probably the first time I've written on there not about my own narcissistic problems.  

I'm super excited for my trips this summer though! First is Dallas, where I get to visit L, M's roommate from school who I LOVE, drink yummy alcoholic milkshakes, go to the best country concert ever, and go to church on Sunday to channel my inner GCB. 5th trip to Dallas in two years...embarrassing. Then is West Palm Beach to visit K, go to the beach, and see the original Lilly Pulitzer store, then Jacksonville for the Kappa convention, then up to Philly to visit G and my grandparents/cousins, then NY to visit M, J, G, and everyone else that is in the city this summer! 

Alright, back to work. Only another hour and 15 min until lunch...

HOME

So originally I was a bit nervous to go home. I thought I would miss Cal and Kappa, that no one would be in PV, and that I would be stuck at home all the time. Not the case. Being home has been way too much fun. I've slept at home only two of the nights I've been here, just hanging out with friends, watching Game of Thrones, seeing all the guys and people I wouldn't necessarily hang out with on my own at parties, laying on the beach, getting sunburned, smoking a bit too much, and just generally having an amazing time. How much do I NOT want to start work Monday. But luckily next weekend is Memorial Day when 1) EVERYONE will be home and 2) my parents will be out of town. Perfection. I ended up being really good friends with one of H's friends from CMC, and she's interning in Mountain View next semester so I'll get to hang out with her. Yay new friends! Also my grades came out, and I did really, really well this semester. Even with PAD and spontaneous trips to Dallas and living in Kappa and all that. Good job, self. Some highlights of summer so far: 20 course dinner for H's birthday (which is officially today...happy bday H!), watching the Lakers win tonight, listening to the new John Mayer album, tanning on the beach, margarita pong, penguins trips, cliff lunches with the bro...it's just the best. And this weekend I have a special belated bday dinner with L and my parents, which should be fun.

One of the best things is that I've been spending a ton of time with H, who I absolutely adore. She just reminds me of the person I used to be, in the best possible ways, and we can sit and talk about intense things while simultaneously screaming at Metta World Peace and Kobe and cheering on the Lakeshow. And today we watched "Project: Life" at like 1 am and I almost cried I was laughing so hard. It was such a good project. And I miss that side of myself. There was a period of time second semester junior year where I really came into myself, and its funny to be reminded of it in such a poignant way. I was probably 25 lbs heavier, my hair was awful, I wore terrible glasses, but I was just so happy and self-confident and excited about everything. I wasn't worried about complicated relationships or college or work, I was just living my life, had just gotten my license, and became close with the girls who have remained my best friends. I mean I'm sure I wasn't nearly as happy then, but it was just such an interesting time. It was before I became completely attached to another person, and there's something liberating watching this intellectual video of my "old self" before I went to India and became the person I would become senior year. That was only three years ago...it's amazing how much can change in such a short period of time. And I want to remember parts of that self, the complete ease around other people, never upset over stupid friendship shit, intellectually stimulated, reading all the time and just becoming a true independent individual. Seventeen years old...those were the days. I'm sure I'm going to sound ridiculous reading this when I'm 30, but still. And it's also interesting that I remember senior year as the greatest thing ever (which it was), but only because of very specific relationships and moments and all of that. Junior year didn't have any labels or defining moments necessarily, and I think that's what made it so amazing. So happy to look back on it tonight.

I also just spend an hour editing my resume and my LinkedIn account...I feel SO OLD. I don't like it at all.

Time to sleep. Or maybe watch an episode of GCB (good christian bitches, my current guilty pleasure). 

Saying Goodbye

So tomorrow will be my last day in Berkeley, and for every other semester this has been cause for celebration. I used to LOVE going home (and obviously still enjoy it) because all of my friends were at home, unlimited access to my kitchen, my own car, yadda yadda. But now...I don't want to leave Berkeley. At all. I want finals to be over, but I do not want to say goodbye to living at Kappa and put life here on hold until August. Yes I will be ecstatic to have my own room and to not be woken up at all hours of the night by pledges doing ridiculous things on the row, but I don't know how I'm going to adjust to being constantly busy, surrounded by girls all the time, always someone to talk to, always something to do, to living at home, with my family, and going to work every single day. I'm going to miss my daily yoga trips with B (going alone just won't be the same), late night sushi runs, screaming along to nikki minaj while getting ready in the 6 girl...I could continue with this list, but that would be somewhat pointless.

On another note, a kid from Berkeley committed suicide last night by jumping off of a dorm balcony. He was declared dead at 10 pm, and I just looked at his facebook...he set his own status to RIP with his date of birth and date of death. Honestly so eerie. And yesterday, he posted pictures of the views from walking the firetrails and down by the water. I guess he was looking at everything beautiful knowing he would never see any of it again. Its just such a horrible thing to think about. Suicides, especially with kids my own age (he's a sophomore too), always make me wonder if there was any little thing that could have been done. Like if I had seen him on campus and smiled, or if someone had offered to study with him for finals, or anything. I know what depression feels like, but I also know what its like to come out of it, and it just cripples me to think that he wasn't able to get the support he needed to pull himself through. And imagine the parents having to get that phone call...honestly one of the saddest things I can possibly imagine. Writing a paper seems so pointless right now, but welcome to Berkeley. Someone dies from the stress of the school, everyone writes an RIP facebook status and then goes back to the work at hand. 

Ouch

Feel a bit like I just got punched in the stomach. http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/something-is-going-to-happen/. This is a worthwhile read. 

Conflict Resolution

Ok, I'm procrastinating for the next 10 minutes before I sit down and work for the next three hours. Basically, I have issues when it comes to resolving problems with people. Here's how it starts: I'll get mad at a close friend for something, sometimes significant and sometimes not, and when I get mad I have to tell them what I'm thinking, because I used to be really passive aggressive and now I try to just address things head on. And if they don't respond to that, it pisses me off even more because then I can't resolve the problem that has just come up. And then I get terrified that my friend will hate me, so I apologize for getting mad, even if I deserved to be mad and had completely legitimate concerns, and blame it on myself so we won't fight and things can continue to be fine. This is because having people mad at me stresses me out more than anything in the entire world, and I would rather just take the blame and move on than resolve it. Also people generally don't like having confrontational conversations, so that just makes it easier. The problem is that then I stay internally mad and resentful and they never know what made me so mad and I just look like this person that gets irrationally mad all the time and then regrets it. Even if that's not really the case. I don't know what to do about this. And I don't like going to bed angry, which always gives me a very small time frame to work with.

Quotes

While procrastinating, I found an old sticky note saved on my computer with quotes I've collected over the years. I thought I would post them here.

"the most important things are the hardest things to say. they are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than the living size then they’re brought out. but it’s more than that, isn’t it? the most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. and you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. that’s the worst, i think. when the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear." --Stephen King, "Different Seasons"

"some strangers become more important to you than family, maybe because you’re not expected to love them. you can leave them whenever you want to. every moment together is a choice." --Walter Kirn, "Thumbsucker"

"the saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. you know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, “no, I’m happy for you”? that’s when it’s really sad." --John Mayer

"i believe everything happens for a reason. people change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and, sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together." --Marilyn Monroe

"i like people too much or not at all. i’ve got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them." --Sylvia Plath

"is it possible, finally, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? we can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close are we able to come to that person’s essence? we convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?" --Harumi Murakami, "The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “awww!"--Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" 

"dearest, i feel certain i am going mad again." --Virginia Woolf 

"…if you’ve been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you - you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. you feel as if nothing is ever going to happen again." --C.S. Lewis 

"words, mere words, how terrible they were, how clear, and vivid, and cruel, one could not escape from them, and yet what a subtle magic there was in them." --Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Grey"

"the best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - that you’d thought special, particular to you. and here it is, set down by someone else, a person you’ve never met, maybe even someone long dead. and it’s as if a hand has come out, and taken yours." --The History Boys

 "I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between." --Sylvia Plath

"but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… and then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and i can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life." --American Beauty 

"let us again pretend that life is a solid substance, shaped like a globe, which we turn about in our fingers. let us pretend that we can make out a plain and logical story, so that when one matter is dispatched - love for instance - we go on, in an orderly manner, to the next." --Virginia Woolf, "The Waves" 

"there are some things about myself i can’t explain to anyone. there are some things i don’t understand at all. i can’t tell what i think about things or what i’m after. i don’t know what my strengths are or what i’m supposed to do about them. but if i start thinking about these things in too much detail the whole thing gets scary. and if i get scared i can only think about myself. i become really self-centered, and without meaning to, i hurt people. so i’m not such a wonderful human being." --Harumi Murakami 

And then I found a bunch of tumblr quotes, AIM conversations from senior year, things that could be considered some form of a love letter, and lots of memories of how my brain used to work. See, this is why I'm a rhetoric major. Because I think that words can do more than almost anything else, and the amount of emotion that these quotes and memories evoked just now are really just words. And how incredible is that? Everyone has them, everyone can use them whenever and however they want, and sometimes they can fix, or destroy everything. Its incredible.